**If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or thinking about hurting yourself, please get help right away. The new national suicide helpline is 988. You are important in this world and this world needs you!**
After that first experience with ketamine treatments, I had all but given up on it as an avenue of healing for me. Every time my therapist would bring up trying it again, I would refuse. That is, until my depression got so bad that I was seriously considering checking myself into a mental hospital again because I was thinking of hurting myself and I was scared.
My therapist, after making sure that I was not in imminent danger of hurting myself, suggested that before I take the step of entering a mental hospital, that I give ketamine another try. There was another facility near where I lived that offered ketamine treatments and my therapist had heard good things about them. At this point, I felt like I had nothing to lose. So I went home from my session that day and went online to look this place up. I was fortunate that they had an open appointment the next day.
The next morning, a friend drove me to my next ketamine experience. There was a different feel immediately. Instead of being in a sterile medical building, this was in a lovely older house. I walked into the clinic and immediately felt very calm - and safe. To be honest, this was a few years ago, so I can't remember the details of the waiting room that spoke to me. I remember there were some books on the bookshelf that I was familiar with, the waiting room was very serene, there was just a peaceful feeling about it. The nurse practitioner who operated the clinic came out of his office and welcomed me. After introducing himself, he took me into his office and sat me down to talk about the treatment. He explained that the treatments were administered via intramuscular injection. He explained the process: that there were two injections, the second one being done about 45 minutes after the first one.
He took the time to get to know me and my story and talked a little about his own experience. He took the time to make sure all my questions were answered and to let me know what to expect during the trip. He stressed the importance of having an intention for the trip and helped me set one. Then he led me to a comfortable reclining chair and set me up with an eye mask and headphones. After checking my blood pressure and pulse, he gave me the first injection, telling me that it would take a few minutes for it take effect.
It didn't take long before the medicine started to take effect. That familiar sense of being separated from my body came over me and the soothing music through the headphones started to drive my experience. It was night time and I was floating on a river through the canyons of the southwest. It was dark, so the sandstone formations rose in silhouettes against the purple night sky. Above me soared an owl, drifting in the air above me in time with the river. I wasn't afraid. Released from my body, I no longer felt distinctly separated from the universe. Instead, I felt like I was a part of the greater whole. It was so comforting. I remember that I had other revelations: I finally understood the creation of the universe and how it all worked and where I fit into it. I forgot the specifics of these things immediately, but I came back from the trip with this knowing that everything was as it should be and that my place in all of it was secure. Most importantly, I came back not feeling like I needed to check myself into a hospital and not feeling like I was a danger to myself any longer.
It was such an amazing experience and so different from my first experience with the muzak and the people that just didn't care... Set and setting. Set and setting. Let me say it one more time: SET AND SETTING.
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